I know it has been a while, I haven't thought of anything to blog about.  one thing I have been thinking about lately has been dating.  In my life, I have never had a Boyfriend.  It's not that I haven't wanted one, or that I haven't liked a guy, but in my life, guy's have just  never been interested in me.  I know personally that I can have a a relationship with a guy, because I am a lot more high functioning then my dad ever was in terms of Autism, and my mom and dad were married for 30 years, before he died.

I have wondered what am I putting out there where no guy ever can even consider dating me without feeling sorry for me.  I know that I have said the wrong thing at times, and that my voice is very different then everyone else, and that I have a nu sound when I am tired.  on top of all that I have suffered from depression for a couple of years now, and it does take a tole on how I feel about myself and what I look like.  What usually happens is that a guy I know, usually a guy I go to church with, asks me out, once a year, around Valentines day, and they do a decent job at the date it's self, but I know exactly why they ask me out, so both of us are dead set against anything else happening.  

I started talking to people on line to help increase my odds, but it seems like the guy's I am interested in don't want to message me back, or the guy's who are interested in me, are total creeps.  It came to my attention that maybe it wasn't all me.  P.S.  guy's, if you are married, you should take the profile off of the internet. also if you are just in the mood for a make-out session, Hook-up, or as you guy's put it, $&**, don't bother, I am not there for that, and I don't know why any girl with any self respect what so ever would do that to herself.

Because of this predicament, I am at a stump as to what I can do next as to my dating situation.  I have asked guy's out, I have even asked guy's to ask me out, but nothing seems to work.  I am convinced at this time that we are just living in a world that is more selfish then any other time in history, and it affects everyone's mood.  Because of this, I believe this could be one reason why there has been a drastic increase in diagnosis in Autism.  A lot of people may genuinely needed help, and the medical and School system are changing because of it, however some people may try to use a diagnosis to there advantage, and it is my belief that the diagnosis for Autism is not for the person who has it, it's for everyone else.  There is still a stigma with people who have  Autism, and part of me carries that, and I can not hide everything that people notice about me that is odd.

I really hope this was helpful for someone, and that I am not just ranting for no reason, but this is a sensitive spot for me, and with that said, I think I better end this post.

a discussion on mental illness, Guns, and the shooting in Connecticut.

I read an article today about the shooter of the Connecticut shooting that happened last week. all though, I should clarify that it wasn't specifically about the shooter himself, but the mental state that he may have been in before, and possibly during the shooting.  Recent reports have come out saying that he had suffered from Autism, and other disorders.  Now their are most likely to pass laws against owning a gun to be purchased by a mentally unstable person, possibly with these disorders.  I am not saying they should or shouldn't pass these laws, but I am afraid of the stigma that might happen to us because of this occurrence.  

The article that I read is titled 'I Am Adam Lanza's Mother': A Mom's Perspective On The Mental Illness Conversation In America, published by the Huff Post.  They did recognize that not every case of mental illness is the same as others, and personalities can come in different forms.  one shocking realization that is discussed in the article is that mental illness percentage in Prison is much higher then in society in general.  The reason's for this can be immeasurable, but not all of them happen for the right reasons.  

In my own experience, I could have chosen to act out on a number of instances in my life, but for some reason I didn't.  I still feel that I should act out on more then I should, but my passive nature doesn't allow me too.  at the end of the day, no mater what the state of mind is of the person is who commit's these horrific acts, we do have our own will to over ride what our instincts are telling us to do.  If our choice in the matter is overridden, then we should not hold these people accountable, however, even in cases of mental illness, our choices are not overridden. we should not hold that stigma to those who have Autism, ADHD, or other behavior problems.  I do have Autism, and I have been held accountable for my behavior my entire life.  My point is that we should still hold people accountable for their behavior even though human instinct tells us to make excuses.  This concludes this post.  thanks for reading.  Please tell me your thoughts in the comment section.

The Holliday's

I love the Holidays.  It doesn't matter what kind of year I have had, I just feel better during this time of year.  it's all about giving and Hot Chocolate and renewing faith in humanity.  Lately I have been suffering with depression and anxiety that I have had to go on medication for, but nothing has ever been able to break my spirit, especially when Christmas time comes.  I have never asked for much for Christmas, but their's just something about giving something to someone you love that lifts our spirits.  another reason why I love the holidays so much is because the pictures are beautiful from this time.  here are some examples of some from Thanksgiving

 These are some pictures of my Niece, Nephews, and some of my cousin's kids.  My Sister came home for Thanksgiving, and my Niece and Nephews jumped on the air mattress that she slept on.  these made for some fun pictures.  We also spent Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where I took pictures of my Cousin's kids.

The Avengers || Demons

Thoughts

          I have been thinking a lot lately about how I may have come off and if it might put anyone out.  I know that I can be blunt from time to time.  A habit that I have tried to break repeatedly and that it might make me come off as rude or loud at times.  Sometimes I have felt like I have come off as a bully in some ways.  As an adult, however, I have grown to be more passive and quiet.  I have been told at times that that has put off a few people because I often don't speak until I am comfortable in a certain situation.
          For the majority of my adult life, it seems as though people have made an honest effort to get to know me, but after a while they kind of distance me off to the point that I haven't seen very many people for a while.  Except for at weddings, reunions, or some funerals too.  I guess in some cases of Autism, people do seem to distance themselves in society, but not in my case.  I always do better when I am in society, and working in some way.  I understand that people move on, get married, and have family's and that they shouldn't have to worry about keeping me happy.  However, I do get depressed when everybody else has moved on, and I can't.  I have done my best to get an education, get a job and function on my own.  I do need more help then others do, however, because I literally do everything slower then others, and they often get put out because of it.
          I have felt that I need to try and change things about my life, so that I can go on and live my life.  I kind of feel that a repentance process is in order for me to go on.  I don't mean to put anyone out and if I do, I hope they realize that I suffer with this disorder as much, if not more then everyone else around me.  I am not sure how much of myself comes out when I get frustrated about something, or how much of a burden that puts on people, but I am suspecting that it does because I just spend most nights in my own world, just writing, reading, or watching TV, or a movie.  I know that things need to change for me, otherwise I know I am going to be a bigger burden on my family.  I can live on my own, and I can make friends, and have relationships, and I can work, and have a career.  I need a little more help then others, but it is possible for me to function as a normal person.  If I have put anyone else, who reads this, I will say that I am sorry.  I do hope that I can move on with my life, and have more of a life then I am having now.  I hope other's haven't been offended by me as well, or if I have I hope they can forgive me.  I have gotten to a point where I mean what I say, and I can take responsibility for it so if any one has been offended I hope they can tell me.

Labor Day

On Monday, my Mom, Brother, his family, and I went to Provo Falls.  here are some pictures that I took of them.

This past week, I was in California for my Nephew's baby blessing.  we spent five days playing in Monteray and enjoying the fun stuff they have there.  here are some pictures from it.  

First Pic:  My two sisters, Jenny and Karalee.  my Mom's arm is on the side, and my Niece Zoey and Nephew Elliot are in the stroller.

  

We went to the Denis the Menace park and road on the slide there.  Pictured is my Nephew Nicholas.

Inside the fake London telephone booth.  this was in protest to my sister who wanted a picture of me in it.

My Nephew Vincent at the Dennis the Menace park.

My Niece Zoey inside the booth

My sister with her baby Elliot

Zoey got to hold a bird over at Fisherman's Warf when we spent the day there.

After the blessing, we went to San Jose for a Lunch at a family member's house, where these pictures were taken at.

This wasn't really a post about my struggles, this was just more about me and my family.  They are important to me, and I'm grateful for all they have done for me.  We are just a normal family who cares about each other.