a discussion on mental illness, Guns, and the shooting in Connecticut.

I read an article today about the shooter of the Connecticut shooting that happened last week. all though, I should clarify that it wasn't specifically about the shooter himself, but the mental state that he may have been in before, and possibly during the shooting.  Recent reports have come out saying that he had suffered from Autism, and other disorders.  Now their are most likely to pass laws against owning a gun to be purchased by a mentally unstable person, possibly with these disorders.  I am not saying they should or shouldn't pass these laws, but I am afraid of the stigma that might happen to us because of this occurrence.  

The article that I read is titled 'I Am Adam Lanza's Mother': A Mom's Perspective On The Mental Illness Conversation In America, published by the Huff Post.  They did recognize that not every case of mental illness is the same as others, and personalities can come in different forms.  one shocking realization that is discussed in the article is that mental illness percentage in Prison is much higher then in society in general.  The reason's for this can be immeasurable, but not all of them happen for the right reasons.  

In my own experience, I could have chosen to act out on a number of instances in my life, but for some reason I didn't.  I still feel that I should act out on more then I should, but my passive nature doesn't allow me too.  at the end of the day, no mater what the state of mind is of the person is who commit's these horrific acts, we do have our own will to over ride what our instincts are telling us to do.  If our choice in the matter is overridden, then we should not hold these people accountable, however, even in cases of mental illness, our choices are not overridden. we should not hold that stigma to those who have Autism, ADHD, or other behavior problems.  I do have Autism, and I have been held accountable for my behavior my entire life.  My point is that we should still hold people accountable for their behavior even though human instinct tells us to make excuses.  This concludes this post.  thanks for reading.  Please tell me your thoughts in the comment section.

The Holliday's

I love the Holidays.  It doesn't matter what kind of year I have had, I just feel better during this time of year.  it's all about giving and Hot Chocolate and renewing faith in humanity.  Lately I have been suffering with depression and anxiety that I have had to go on medication for, but nothing has ever been able to break my spirit, especially when Christmas time comes.  I have never asked for much for Christmas, but their's just something about giving something to someone you love that lifts our spirits.  another reason why I love the holidays so much is because the pictures are beautiful from this time.  here are some examples of some from Thanksgiving

 These are some pictures of my Niece, Nephews, and some of my cousin's kids.  My Sister came home for Thanksgiving, and my Niece and Nephews jumped on the air mattress that she slept on.  these made for some fun pictures.  We also spent Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where I took pictures of my Cousin's kids.

The Avengers || Demons

Thoughts

          I have been thinking a lot lately about how I may have come off and if it might put anyone out.  I know that I can be blunt from time to time.  A habit that I have tried to break repeatedly and that it might make me come off as rude or loud at times.  Sometimes I have felt like I have come off as a bully in some ways.  As an adult, however, I have grown to be more passive and quiet.  I have been told at times that that has put off a few people because I often don't speak until I am comfortable in a certain situation.
          For the majority of my adult life, it seems as though people have made an honest effort to get to know me, but after a while they kind of distance me off to the point that I haven't seen very many people for a while.  Except for at weddings, reunions, or some funerals too.  I guess in some cases of Autism, people do seem to distance themselves in society, but not in my case.  I always do better when I am in society, and working in some way.  I understand that people move on, get married, and have family's and that they shouldn't have to worry about keeping me happy.  However, I do get depressed when everybody else has moved on, and I can't.  I have done my best to get an education, get a job and function on my own.  I do need more help then others do, however, because I literally do everything slower then others, and they often get put out because of it.
          I have felt that I need to try and change things about my life, so that I can go on and live my life.  I kind of feel that a repentance process is in order for me to go on.  I don't mean to put anyone out and if I do, I hope they realize that I suffer with this disorder as much, if not more then everyone else around me.  I am not sure how much of myself comes out when I get frustrated about something, or how much of a burden that puts on people, but I am suspecting that it does because I just spend most nights in my own world, just writing, reading, or watching TV, or a movie.  I know that things need to change for me, otherwise I know I am going to be a bigger burden on my family.  I can live on my own, and I can make friends, and have relationships, and I can work, and have a career.  I need a little more help then others, but it is possible for me to function as a normal person.  If I have put anyone else, who reads this, I will say that I am sorry.  I do hope that I can move on with my life, and have more of a life then I am having now.  I hope other's haven't been offended by me as well, or if I have I hope they can forgive me.  I have gotten to a point where I mean what I say, and I can take responsibility for it so if any one has been offended I hope they can tell me.

Labor Day

On Monday, my Mom, Brother, his family, and I went to Provo Falls.  here are some pictures that I took of them.

This past week, I was in California for my Nephew's baby blessing.  we spent five days playing in Monteray and enjoying the fun stuff they have there.  here are some pictures from it.  

First Pic:  My two sisters, Jenny and Karalee.  my Mom's arm is on the side, and my Niece Zoey and Nephew Elliot are in the stroller.

  

We went to the Denis the Menace park and road on the slide there.  Pictured is my Nephew Nicholas.

Inside the fake London telephone booth.  this was in protest to my sister who wanted a picture of me in it.

My Nephew Vincent at the Dennis the Menace park.

My Niece Zoey inside the booth

My sister with her baby Elliot

Zoey got to hold a bird over at Fisherman's Warf when we spent the day there.

After the blessing, we went to San Jose for a Lunch at a family member's house, where these pictures were taken at.

This wasn't really a post about my struggles, this was just more about me and my family.  They are important to me, and I'm grateful for all they have done for me.  We are just a normal family who cares about each other.  

Glee - Firework HQ + Lyrics

I know it has been a while, I have had the rest of my schooling to get through, nothing big or exciting though.  Today however marks a special anniversary for everyone, the Fourth of July, but also marks one for my family as well, as it was four years today that my Father passed away.  He was only 61 years old, and he died of a heart attack.  He was an Army Vet, a Son, Father, Uncle, Grandfather, and so many more things that most do not realize.

One of his challenges in life that he did not fully accept was that he had a form of Autism, that was never diagnosed.  He most likely had As burgers and because of it, many people did not understand him.  However he did accomplish many things in his life, like getting married, raising a family, and providing for them, with a lot of the challenges that people like us face.  For me, he is an example of what we can achieve if we have faith in our abilities.  Love you Dad, I miss you.

Graduation

I have done it.  I went through commencement and I am almost done with my Bachelors degree.  I still have an internship, and one more class to pass, but I am basically done.  Getting my Bachelors has taken me about 11 years, off and on to complete but I still did it.  I just hope it doesn't take this long to get anything else done.

top ten reasons why you might be autistic

10.  You don't understand Sarcasm
9.  You are a loner.
8.  You have to be on a special diet
7.  You have a high IQ
6.  You have High Artistic ability
5.  You live in your own world
4.  You don't really function in society
3.  You are a techno geek
2.  People tell you that you are a "Special Person"
1.  The Doctor tells you that you are Autistic.

If anyone can't see that this is pure and utter sarcasm, then you might be Autistic.  By the way here's the flip side to the last top ten list.

10.  most of the things people call Sarcasm is demeaning and you don't think it's funny.
9.  Most people don't understand you personally so they don't even try.
8.  While having a special diet can help in many cases, it isn't just people with autism who need to be on one, nor is it all required for people with autism.
7.  Not true, my IQ is about the same as a regular functioning adult over all, however a lot of things I have a lower IQ, and in other areas I have a higher IQ.  In the end it evens out.
6.  Frankly I have done better in history then I have in art.  although, I have been good in Photography, but that is only because I took the time to know the process and the equipment.
5.  actually, everyone in their own way lives in their own world.  Most just don't include people with Autism in their world.
4.  People with Autism can function in society, it's just that Society doesn't really function for us.
3.  Just like any other talent,  it isn't limited to a certain type of person.  I am not really a techno geek, I am probably as computer savey as the next person.
2.  You are a special person, however so is every person else in the world.
1.  more often then not the Doctor is the last person to know that you are Autistic.  Usually you, or a family member is the one to convince them of that.

The Monster

I have been thinking about what the physical form of Autism might look like. I've often described it as an invisible monster that can be the size of a Parasite or of a mountain. (Keep in mind that my definition of a mountain is one found in Utah County, in the Rocky Mountains) Most of what it does however is diminish the quality of life. It doesn't necessarily kill someone, although people who have it are more prone to certain physical impairments during their lives. These could include anything from delayed development, having less coordination then most others, sometimes the Monster just takes over someone's body's all together. More often then not, it's the Monster that sets off what eventually kills someone. Though it can't really be conformed, one result that has been formed among people who have had depression, or some mental disorder is that, they have a shorter lifespan then most others. We are more prone to depression, and having Heart Attacks. I know this because of a News report my mom saw after my Father died of a Heart Attack when he was 61 years old, (15-20 years younger then the average lifespan.) My family and I know that my father had a form of Autism, although he was never diagnosed.

The Monster affects just about anything any one can think of. Although we don't know what exactly Autism is, it is entirely defined by what the outcome is. Because of this, people with Autism are some of the strongest people in the world, however we don't even know what we are fighting. What has helped me the most in my struggle in what my mission is in my life has been through my religion. By having Faith in Jesus Christ and in his Atonement, I have come further in my life then I ever would have without it. Considering religion and the nature of Autism are not really visible, it is no wonder that they go hand in hand together. I believe that everything in life is that way. There is a difference between things that are physical, intellectual and spiritual, but they are intertwined. The key to remember in each of these departments is to remember is Autism can affect all of these areas in the life as well.

dealing with teachers

The last post was kind of what I feel like when I deal with Teachers. I had an experience these past couple of weeks with one of my midterms. Being diagnosed with Autism has made it in someways easier and harder for me. Dealing with Teachers now consists of always going through Disability services. One of my teachers will not make any exceptions on how the assignments are administered. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I am also coming from a family full of teachers, and I have had many discussions on some of the Tactics that Teachers sometimes use in their classes. One of them from this particular teacher was that he asked 4-5 open ended questions to improve writing skills in a midterm setting. we were asked to give a specific view point and back it up with footnotes and readings. This maybe fine for some people but for me it was not because in my mind he asked a vague question and wanted a specific answer. In the mean time I felt like I had to explain constantly where I was coming from, and that hopefully he might try to see where I was coming from. Like most college Professors, he didn't really care, and told me to go through disabilities services I went through them and got things straitened out, but in the mean time I recognized that this Professor had not updated his teaching skills in a long time, and that I was falling under the same potholes that others did years ago, when dealing with a system that did not work for them. My teacher's thinking was that well, he made it through, so he can use the same process on others. it doesn't always work like that, and for that reason other's like me have been beaten out of something that they could have been better at.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice - "Secrets" by OneRepublic

skyscraper.

I found this version of Skyscraper on You Tube. Sometimes when I am down I find this a good endurance song to listen to and get the spirits up. I also like this version better because in the original version I could hear the singer ruining her voice.

Skyscraper - Demi Lovato (Boyce Avenue feat. Megan Nicole acoustic cover...

I haven't been doing much lately. Just school, homework and serving in my church calling. I also started writing a book about my experiences and how dealing with life can be a lot more difficult then other's might expect. No one person can guess how someone with Autism feels. At times we can be moody, self absorbed, having a wide range of emotions in even a 20 min. period. Some describe it as being underwater for large amounts of time, and not being able to come to the surface. To me it just feels like no one really understands me, and 99.99999% of people don't even care. It is a common factor that people with Autism often times go through clinical depression. I'm not sure if that is because we have Autism, or because it just shows up as a symptom because of another symptom. Either way I have learned that caring about something helps cope with it. However because Autism can affect people both Physically and Mentally, finding something for them to hold on to is a very limited field of what they can do. for me, I can make crafts, sew, read, and write. it can be frustrating even to do those sometimes, but at least there can be an outlet. I have been able to do most everything to a certain extent to get out of the feelings that I am often prone too. however, not all the time have I been able to get out of it, and their are others who have not had the same things to go on as me.

Narnia-Susan & Lucy-I feel Pretty/Unpretty

perception

What most people don't realize about pictures is that most of it isn't made from the positive space, it's mostly made from the negitive space. in some way's I feel like it's the same way with having Autism. Some people say that those with Autism are special because they have that. Actually most of what I had to go through did little to no fact that I had Autism, I just knew I had to do it as a mater of fact, most of my traits that made me who I am were developed in spite of having Autism.

Sometimes I feel exactly like the bird at the first part of the scene below. Not that I have seen any thing particular shocking, but I have found that no one really asks questions past the get to know you questions. You know, How are you? What's your name? What's your Major? No one ever gets to the point of where they actually care about another person. The only exception to the rule is when there are angles pointing to someone saying, "you need to care about this person," your family members, or when someone is in dire need of help. Also there are no guarantees to these reasons either. It is my belief that that is why we have most of the problems in society that we have. Why there are still so many Lawyers who are needed in order to get something done. why more people have become so untrustworthy and why no one takes time to understand the struggles that another one is going through. On the other hand there has been more reports of Autism coming to surface in past years then ever before. maybe people just started noticing it, or their has been a genetic mutation that has allowed it to come up more often. Either way I think it's God who is saying that we all need to care a little more about each other.

The Lion King - Coconut Song Scene (English)

Work

finding work has been a problem in my life. I have struggled to find one that I am good at, that is within walking distance, that the manager is actually sympathetic to how I process things. I have only found a hand full of people who have actually been sympathetic to how slow I am at learning and at how slow I can be at doing things in general. the five main jobs I have had in my life have been delivering news papers, working in fast food restaraunts, at one time, I was a Library Assistant, that I got let go from, and I was also a Sample person at Costco, as well as a custodian. A common trouble that people with high functioning Autism have is finding a job that is good for them, that is at the level of ability that truly reflects them. My Father had this problem. He was a Custodian basically his whole adult life. He was a smart man, not in the way that others imagine smart as being, but he was. He did struggle with his place in life, and not having many people who understood how he felt. A lot of the time he would take his frustration out on us, and that would bring stress into our own life, and some times, make us feel less useful.

One other thing my father struggled with however was admitting his faults. for the life of him, he would not admit that he had social problems, which I have been told that I am better at. because of this, I have made moves to ensure that I do not have that problem put on others. I actually got diagnosed with a PDD-NOS, and I went to Vocational Rehabilitation that is helping me out with school, and other things. through this I was finally able to get disability services from school, for extra time on Tests, and I can have a note taker. for this I just use my Lab top, but I could have someone else take notes for me if I so desired.

some have wondered if it is cheating or not, but the thing with it is it's more about getting an individual the best chance of doing well in school, and in life. If someone judges the smarts of a fish being able to ride a bicycle, is that a fair assessment? The same goes with education. the services are not there to do the work for a student, they are there to help them overcome their weaknesses. As far as getting help with employment, it is illegal to discriminate against a person if they have a disability, physical or mental. This law is not to make people do things that they otherwise can not do, but it is there for people who would otherwise be discriminated for a job we can do. When we are in a time that there is no guarantee's in getting a job in this economy, there is some comfort in knowing that there is some safety in keeping one once we get a job. Note that this doesn't solve all the problems but it does help.

New years resolutions

some may consider New Years Resolutions a wast of time. They think that if we don't keep it the first week after New Years that we are doomed. To this extent, I think people don't get the point to New Years. The point of it is not to stay up too late one night a year in hopes that we will be different people when we wake up the next morning. The point is to celebrate life and to move forward while looking back at the lesions we learned from the year before. We can make goals any time we want and achieve them.

I try to make my resolutions on a short list. Some of mine this year include:

1. Be more Healthy. (not necessarily a weight loss goal, but it isn't limited to it.)

2. finally getting my licence (this one I have had for a while)

3. Be more Social. (especially with men)

4. Write a book

5. break the 3.6 GPA mark.

all of these are a stretch for me, but they are not impossible key things to remember when setting goals. I hope this is informational, thank you.